What Hunger Has Done To Me
It is to blame for my problematic relationship with food.
When I talk about hunger, I don’t just mean that feeling a person gets when they forget to eat or intentionally skip a meal for whatever reason. What I mean, instead, is that emptiness that burns in one’s stomach—something that comes with fear and desperation—when they are too broke and helpless to do something about it.
This hunger changes a person in more ways than they can imagine. It trains them to be on red alert at all times, so they pay attention to every sign that scarcity may occur again very soon. It teaches them to lose their mind as the canned goods disappear from their cupboard one by one or as the fridge seems emptier each passing day.
It has done the same thing to me.
It is the reason why I still feel uneasy each time I notice that our rice container is close to being empty. It is the reason why I still slice luncheon meat very thinly as if this mere act could magically give me more grams of it. It is why I still feel guilty whenever I finish a can of corned beef by myself. It is why I still get so emotional about a pack of ramen or a can of sardines, as though I were meeting an old friend who saw me through the toughest of times. It is why I still get a sense of high whenever I come home with a bag of groceries.
It is to blame for my problematic relationship with food. I think my body remembers everything, so to this day, it still urges me to eat more and more and more. It’s like my hunger never ends.
Hunger is like a hole in my gut that simply doesn’t disappear no matter how often I try to overeat or even if I consume the fanciest food I can afford.
But I continue eating, anyway. It won’t miraculously make my hunger disappear, I know, but at least it can give me a brief moment of satisfaction. I feel full and happy even for just a short while. My stomach stops growling. I don’t feel as empty as I did.
It does not take long, but I will take it. I will cherish it before I start feeling bad about having consumed so much again. I will hold on to it before my hunger burns in the endless pit in my gut once more and before it urges me, again, to eat some more.